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Stock Investments Going to Pot

I got this from my investment broker today;
Our previous records indicate that you hold stock in the following Companies….. American Can Co., Consolidated Gas Co., Interstate Water Co., and Northern Tissue Co.

Because of uncertain market conditions at this time, it is our recommendation that you sit tight on your American can, hold your water & let your gas go. You will be interested to know that today Northern Tissue touched a new bottom and thousands were wiped clean.

Wallpaper is falling.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cattle futures steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola and Pepsi both fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue blew it.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.