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Church Jokes

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and Explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!’

Knowing Scripture can save your life – in more ways than one!


A man in Topeka ,Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking�  photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “Calls: $10,000 a minute.”

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Denver, Oklahoma City, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas.Ã?  Upon entering a church in Dallas, Texas, behold – he saw the usual golden telephone.Ã?  But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 35 cents.”

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.Ã? Ã?  “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.Ã?  Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.


The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re inÃ?  Texas now …Ã?  You’re in God’s Country.Ã?  It’s a local call.”

American by Birth – A Texan by the Grace of God.